TEMPTATION ISLAND- CHARACTERS
Anakin Skywalker
Padme Amidala
Yoda
Harry Potter (grown)
Ron Weasley (grown)
Hermione Granger (grown)
Draco Malfoy (grown)
Professor Dumbledore
Professor McGonagall
Professor Trelawney
Jack Dawson
Rose Dawson
Mr. Moody (sea-man who shot himself in the head)
Old Rose
Frodo Baggins
Rosie Cotton
Merry Brandybuck
Samwise Gamgee
Legolas Greenleaf
Gandalf
Eowyn
Boromir
Vicki S.
Jazzi D.
Rebecca S.
Luci S.
Loz T.
(Sadly, Pippin is too young to take part in Temptation Island.)
TEMPTATION ISLAND
- All contestants bustle into shack.
- Luci gives Padme the evils.
- Jazzi and Vikki are high (Short for hyper)- very high and are giving Legolas sxy looks.
-Legolas returns the looks and smiles to himself eagerly.
-Sam tries to link his arm with Frodo's- but Frodo pulls away and goes to chat with Rebecca.
-Mr Moody loads his gun and aims it at Jack, who is flirting with the Old Rose.
-Professor Dumbledore is chatting with Gandalf, but Gandalf goes to talk to Padme.
-Anakin hastily rushes over to Loz, but Luci pushes her out the way and points her in the direction of Yoda. Loz gasps with delight and rushes over there.
-Harry Potter is duelling with Draco Malfoy, to win Professor McGonagall over.
-Ron is doing serious winking at Hermione.
-Hermione is doing serious winking at Sam Gamgee.
-Rosie Cotton links arms with Boromir, who has Eowyn hanging on him on the other side.
-Rebecca and Frodo are engaging in great conversation about rings. Rebecca brings wedding rings into the subject. Frodo jumps with excitement.
REBECCA: So... are you interested in wedding rings... Fro?
FRODO: (Jump) YEAH!
REBECCA: You want a wedding ring?
FRODO: Why?
REBECCA: Jus answer the question.
FRODO: Yeah!
REBECCA: (Elbows) Let's see what we can do about that then.
FRODO: (Jumps)
(Jazzi and Vikki are stalking Legolas while he walks around, checking out the shack. He spots them.)
LEGOLAS: So... (turns around)
JAZZI, VIKKI: (jump) Um... we- we were just-
LEGOLAS: (Smile) Hellooo...
JAZZI: Hellooo there elf boy. (Flirt)
VIKKI: NO he was talking to ME!
JAZZI: NO! HE WAS TALKING TO ME! YOU SAW! DON'T DENYYYYY IT!
VIKKI: I HATE YOU YOU BITCH!
JAZZI: YOU SLAG!
(Bitch fight commences)
LEGOLAS: Ladies... please... I- oh forget it. (Walks away)
JAZZI: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
VIKKI: NO! THAT WAS YOU!
(Bitch fight continues)
(Anakin and Luci are talking v. quietly in a corner.)
ANAKIN: So... (flirt)
LUCI: So... (flirt)
ANAKIN: So... (flirt)
LUCI: (Jumps on lap, throws arm around his neck and starts snogging him. You can tell he enjoys it.)
(In the other corner you see Yoda almost falling over with delight at Loz's skill with flirting)
LOZ: Yoda, may i see your big, strong, masculine, long, thick........LIGHT SABRE!?
YODA: My dear, the force is strong within you, to strong i fear, far far to strong for me.
LOZ: Try me, i can weaken my skill for you my Jedi Master,
YODA: I do not try, i feel, i sense and i sense a closness between us perhaps even more than friendship.
(Padme becoming increasingly fustrated at Luci's flirting and seduction and decides to make action- afterall Anaken did say he loved her!)
Padme- Oh Anni! Come here my big Jedi Master!
(Breaks kiss reluctantly with Luci and wanders aimlessly towards 'her', he mumbles something about Luci using a mind trick on him, then sprints back to Luci and rejoins the kiss.)
(Meanwhile the bitch fight between Jazzi & Vikki has become more violent)
LEGOLAS: Ladies, Ladies as tight as my butt of granite is, my long blonde (very soft thanks Pantene) hair and masculine figure there is quite enough of me to go round.
VIKKI: But Legsie why settle for her when you can have me!
JAZZI: Legsie my darling! Don't listen to that stupid slut! You know you want me!
(Jazzi pounces towards Legsie but Vikki blocks her.)
JAZZI: OI! cow get lost- find an elf of your own!
(Bitch fight commences)
-Sam's getting excited at the concept of Hermione winking at him.
HERMIONE: (wink)
SAM: (very excited) Wait till Rosie hears 'bout this, (talks to Hermione) if you take my meaning.
HERMIONE: Hellooo young hobbit.
FRODO: (Over side of the room)Hey SAM! SAM!
SAM: Sorry young wizardess, but I made a promise to Mr. Frodo. Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee, and I don't mean to. (Eagerly goes to Mr Frodo.)
SAM: Yes, Mr. Frodo?
FRODO: Get this young woman a cocktail.
SAM: Yes Mr. Frodo. My pleasure. (Skips off to alcohol bar outside)
REBECCA: Wow. How do you get those personal butlers?
FRODO: Oh, I have my contacts (winks).
REBECCA: Was it on something, like- Ask Jeeves?
FRODO: No it was more of a 'buy something, get a free item' thing.
REBECCA: Oh. What item did you get free?
FRODO: Sam. I got him with my usual supply of contact lenses.
REBECCA: You have lenses?
FRODO: Yeah, brown ones. Well- you do have to look normal once in a while!
REBECCA: I see your point. Did you get the free monkey with ITV digital?
FRODO: Actually no. The post got mixed. I got Johnny Vegas instead.
REBECCA: Yeah, same thing with me. I got the aloe vera plant in the advert, instead of the Andrex puppy.
FRODO: Merry told me he got something that looked like a cross with an aloe vera plant and an andrex puppy.
REBECCA: Ouch. How do you stroke them?
FRODO: You don't.
(Bitch fight still continues.)
JAZZI: Nyo! He's miiiiinne! (Tries to pounce on Legsie)
VIKKI: NO! Youuuuu shaaalll not paaaaaassss!
JAZZI: Try ME! (Dives and clings onto his leg)
LEGOLAS: Um- excuse me?
JAZZI: Yes! YES!
VIKKI: Off him damn YOUUUUU! (Clings onto other leg and tries to hit Jazzi as she's on there. Makes growling noises)
JAZZI: Grrrrrrrrr... (Spits and swipes at her like a cat)
LEGOLAS: Ladies, is this really a good idea?
JAZZI, VIKKI: YEEEESS!
LEGOLAS: But- ahhhhhhhh! (Falls over. Neither Jazzi or Vikki let go)
JAZZI: (Claws her way up his leg and jumps onto his back.)
LEGOLAS: AHHH- (Gets air knocked out of him)
VIKKI: LEGSIE!! ARE YOU HURT???
JAZZI: Yes! He's hurt because he's near YOU!
VIKKI: NO!
JAZZI: HA!
(Bitch fight again. They get off Legolas. He jumps up and cowers behind Boromir, who is attempting to woo Professor Trelawnely by predicting Harry Potter's death which will commence at some point during Temptation Island)
BOROMIR: I agree. I see it in my -AIIIIIII!! Legolas? What are you doing!
LEGOLAS: SHHHH! (whisper) Be quiet! They're after me!
BOROMIR: (Glances at Jazzi and Vikki pulling each others hair out at the same time as yelling battle cries) Okay. Wow you have some powerful people after you, you know.
LEGOLAS: (Whisper) A little 'too' powerful if you ask me)
(Voice Overhead)
VOICE OVER- This is your Tempation Island overhead host. We did not tell you this, but anyone who does not 'attempt' any kind of 'business' during the first day, is out. We will say goodbye to Eowyn, Rose, Mr. Moody, Gandalf, Harry, Draco and Hermione. Thankyou very much for entering.
(Harry and Draco still go out duelling as they walk. One spell accidentally knocks Hermione and she grows 'shrek' ears on the side of her head and runs out crying. Draco follows, sporting a pair of his own 'shrek' ears and lastly Harry, who has grown a very lond beard and his hair has grown very long, and he has a flower shirt on)
DRACO: Keep up, hippy!
HARRY: Shut up!
Eowyn: At least I tried. (Was patting Boromir on the shoulder every 5 minutes.)
Mr. Moody: BUT OLD ROSE!
OLD ROSE: D'you wanna hear this or not Mr. Moody? I love Jack.
Mr. Moody: (Sulks and walks out)
ROSE: JACK!
JACK: ROSE!
ROSE: JACK!
JACK: ROSE!
ROSE: JAAAACCCCCCKKK! I'll never let you GOOOOO! (Escorted by Boromir and Anakin Skywalker.)
JACK: Good. Let's get back to business, Miss Rose. (Puts arm around her) Wait- you're not the Rose I LOVED!
OLD ROSE: Yes honey, I was!
JACK: NO! NO! ROOOOOOOOOSSEEE! (Screams after Rose who's being escorted. Faint 'JAAAAAAACCKK!!!' cry from outside)
OLD ROSE: JACK! (Hobbles after him. They have in fact evicted themselves now)
SAM: Um... Mr. Frodo?
FRODO: (Annoyed at having to stop serious flirting with Rebecca) What?
SAM: Um... can I sit on your knee?
FRODO: (amused) What did you say?
SAM: (Quickly) Just for good time's sake.
FRODO: (seriously amused) Okay then Sam.
SAM: Thankyou Mr. Frodo! (v. eager)
(Frodo winces as that fat lump crashes onto his knee, and sits there staring at him in adoration.)
FRODO: As I was saying- Sam?
SAM: (Lovingly stroking his hair) Yes Mr. Frodo?
FRODO: Take your hand off my hip.
SAM: Sorry Mr. Frodo, but it is for old time's sake.
REBECCA: What?
FRODO: Er- nothing, nothing.
REBECCA: (Annoyed at SAM) Fro, I'll catch you later. (Walks off quickly)
FRODO: BEKKI MY LOVE! (Reaches hand forward) NOOO! (Tries to get up but falls as Sam won't get off. Crashes to the floor)
SAM: (Clutching him around the waist) Oh Mr. Frodo! I didn't know you cared!
FRODO: AHHHH!!!!!! (V. cute worried look follows...) Sam- DON'T DO THAT! (Turns over and gets up. Goes to hide behind Boromir. Legolas is there too.)
LEGOLAS: (whisper) Frodo? What are you doing down here?
FRODO: (hisses back) You saw! (Looks very frightened.)
LEGOLAS: Ah I see. Look who's after me- (points to two women pulling each others hair out). Feisty pair.
FRODO: Wow you've got it bad!
LEGOLAS: Well with my butt like granite- who doesn't?
FRODO: I wish you would stop saying that... mine's so much better!
LEGOLAS: Oh yeah?
FRODO: Yeah.
(Meanwhile, Padme gets shirty)
PADME: Anni? ANNI! Come back here at ONCE! Why on hell's fire are you snogging that wagon foot?
ANAKIN: My dear Padme, the force is strong within you, yet I fear that that force is not strong enough. Luci has the power within. She will make a great 'jedi's wife'.
PADME: WHAT is that meant to mean?
ANAKIN: Nothing...
(It is later at night. Legolas is in his little bamboo room thing, when he hears a knock on the door.)
LEGOLAS: It's open!
VIKKI: (Comes through door grinning) Hi!
LEGOLAS: AH!
VIKKI: NO- please. I just wanted to say I'm REALLY truly sorry about what happened today.
LEGOLAS: Well- do you want some wine? (Goes to little alcohol cupboard and takes out glass.)
VIKKI: Why thankyou! (Sits on his bed next to him)
LEGOLAS: (Quite drunk) So- you're a naughty girl eh?
VIKKI: Quite the type that bites. (winks)
LEGOLAS: Ho hum. (Puts arm around her)
VIKKI: Coommmee to vikki.
LEGOLAS: (Starts kissing her)
VIKKI: (In between) good boy!
(What follows cannot be said because we are trying to keep this to the 'parental guidance' thing and not straight up to 'adult'.)
(The next morning. Legolas realises what he has done, and this is how he takes it.)
LEGOLAS: OH MY *BEEP* YOU *BEEP* NO *BEEP* WAY! (Starts throwing a lot of chairs around. Vikki's gone, by the way.)
JAZ: (Comes into room) Hey? What's going on? What's up, Legsie?
LEGOLAS: (Breaks down and starts crying) Do you know what I (wail) did LAST NIGHT?!
JAZ: Well, I could hear a lot of some kind of moaning noise but I put it down to the heating system- oh no. You didn't!
LEGOLAS: Yes! I did!
JAZ: With who? (Starts to get angry)
LEGOLAS: That... woman you was fighting with! Earlier on!
JAZ: NO! It's not true! No way!
LEGOLAS: Yes! It iiiisssssssss...
(Both start hugging each other and sobbing hysterically. Vikki comes to the door to see Legolas, but finds them there, and goes off in a strop)
JAZ: Why? (Wail) WHY!
LEGOLAS: (Stops crying) You really care about my problems, don't you?
JAZ: Yes? (Stops too)
LEGOLAS: But... no one's ever cared about me like that before. (Eyes twinkling)
JAZ: I guess you got lucky. (Eyes twinkling)
(They both hug each other and Legolas kisses Jaz on the cheek, and they walk hand in hand to breakfast. Vikki watches them from a shadowy corner (or rather her lair) with the most evil eyes you've ever seen!)
(Rebecca comes bounding into Frodo's bedroom)
REBECCA: Come on! Up up up!
FRODO: Wha? (Still half asleep in bed)
REBECCA: Come on! I've been waitying for you to get up for THREE hours!
FRODO: But it's... (looks at alarm clock) It's only seven-thirty in the morning!
REBECCA: Please? (Puts on puppy eyes that Frodo can't possibly resist)
FRODO: (Smiles) OK, hun. I'm coming. (Winks at her)
REBECCA: (Jumps up and down and squels in delight like a mad thing) YAY!
FRODO: You're mad!
REBECCA: I know!
(At breakfast...)
LOREN: Your ears are so large...
YODA: Why thank you! You power within you is-
LOREN: Oh you will know my power. Very soon, the power is within me. If you would kindly show me your light sabre later tonight...
YODA: Why certainly, my dear lady...
(They continue to stare into each others eyes for so long that we get bored with them. Let's go and see how Luci and Anakin are doing. Oh- maybe not... well how about Legolas, Jazzi and Vikki? No, not a good idea either. Oh hell let's just go see Luci and Anakin)
LUCI: You know, last night was great, especially what followed on from the cocktail bar, even though I can only remember the best parts.. and they were certainly a lot.
ANAKIN: Hush, my sweet lady, for others linger by. Let us speak more quietly after breakfast in my room...
LUCI: Can do!
ANAKIN: Aha...
(They begin to 'lip lock' pretty furiously. No more footage should be shown, but all we can tell you is, is that the first breakfast was a pretty memorable event for the two!)
(At the cocktail bar. Vikki walks in and spots Legolas)
VIKKI: (Sits down beside him) Hi.
LEGOLAS: (Slightly ignores her) Hi.
(Silence)
VIKKI: Well?
LEGOLAS: ...weeeeeeeell? (Confused)
VIKKI: (Slips him a note) My room number, in case you forgot (Winks).
LEGOLAS: (Realises) Ooooooooh... (Smiles) Thankyou.
(Just then, Jazzi comes over carrying a plate of salad and balancing two cocktails on a tray)
JAZZI: (Puts tray down in front of Legolas) There you go; Mirkwood Flush as you ordered, and for me? Shire Surprise.
LEGOLAS: (Raises an eyebrow in humour) Wow. Tacky names.
JAZZI: (Giggles) HELL yeah. (Spots Vikki and gets angry)... what are YOU doing here.
VIKKI: (Puts arm around Legolas) What d'you think?
JAZZI: (Lary) You know, they do something at the bar called 'Get Lost Bitch Paradise'. Why don't you go and try that?
VIKKI: (Shocked) How- HOW DARE YOU! (Strokes Legolas' hair) Tell her Legsie...
(Legolas goes red)
LEGOLAS: Uhm... ahem...
JAZZI: Well...? Tell that SLUG to get lost!
VIKKI: That the best you can think of!?
JAZZI: Hell no.
VIKKI: Well go on then. (Stands up)
JAZZI: (raises eyebrow again) You're pathetic.
VIKKI: (Snort) Hippocrite.
JAZZI: You're not worth it (Sits down beside Legolas as he looks on confused).
VIKKI: (Folds arms) Cretin.
JAZZI: (Stands up suddenly) What did you say? (Grabs her by the neck)
VIKKI: Cretin.
JAZZI: (Lets go of Vikki) Oh go milk the cows. That's what you're best at. (Sits back down)
VIKKI: Is that offensive?
JAZZI: To hell it is.
(Rebecca comes over tugging Frodo under his arm. Frodo is drunk)
REBECCA: Hi (Grin).
FRODO: Mummy...?
(Everyone stares at him. He yawns and his eyes go half closed)
REBECCA: Oh just ignore the pratt who got drunk (indicates HIM).
FRODO: Who are you calling a... (snore)
(Rebecca drops him carelessly on the floor and he curls up into a ball and goes to sleep. She sits by Legolas)
(Awkward silence. Vikki and Jazzi are still fighting)
LEGOLAS: Uh... hi.
REBECCA: Hi.
(silence)
LEGOLAS: So...
REBECCA: So...
(silence)
REBECCA: What's your celebrity status?
Legolas: (Proud) Legolas Greenleaf: Prince of Mirkwood.
REBECCA: (Amazed) Yeah?
LEGOLAS: Yeah.
REBECCA: DAMN this is so cool I get to meet a prince wait till I tell my friends oh my mom will be so proud can I get you a drink will you go out with me do you want another drink can I have your autograph?
(silence)
LEGOLAS: (nervous laugh) Suuuure... (Takes pen and paper out of his pocket)
REBECCA: (Awe) Wooooow... (She takes the paper signed 'Love Legolas') HELL this is great. Can I get you a drink?
LEGOLAS: (Looks slightly scared of her) Uh, yeah, sure.
REBECCA: (Bounds off to the bar.)
(meanwhile, Yoda and Loren are being 'weird'.)
LOREN: (On dance floor doing mad dancing to 'It's Getting Hot In Here'.) Hell you're good.
YODA: Yes, my lady, and I'm even better someplace else. (Looks totally out of it doing his dance moves and doing war dances around his walking stick)
LOREN: (Smiles and looks over at Luci and Anakin)
(*Ahem*)
Luci: (Not exactly dancing. They've created a large circle for them to dance to themselves while other people shoot them dirty looks.)
Anakin: (Smiles) my lady, mechanical hands are not just good for fighting.
Luci: (Smiles) I realised... (Pulls him by the arm and drags him out of the room)
Anakin: Hey miss! You'll break a circuit! (Moves his mechanical hand painfully *how?!*)
Luci: Ooooooh I'll be breaking a few circuts yet.
(They disappear)
The next day. The only contestants left are Frodo, Legolas, Hayden, Yoda, Loren, Luci, Jaz, Vikki and Rebecca. Everyone else has evicted themselves because they think that the author of Temptation Island is completely ignoring their x-rated antics. Well THANKYOU FOR THAT. HA! Well they were pretty x-rated *cringey shudder* Yeesh. Anyway, today all the contestants have been called to the lobby. Please find out why... and and yeah sure MiamiDream: this is YOUR part!
(Everyone sits in a circle nervously. Jaz and Vikki are still shooting each other dirty looks. Loren and Yoda are shooting each other DIRTY looks. Two white coats enter the room)
DOCTOR NICK: Hi, everybody!
EVERYONE: Hi, Doctor Nick!
DOCTOR MD: (squeaky voice in background) And me!
(Silence. Doctor Nick sits cross legged on the floor)
DOCTOR MD: OK, today, because of the violence, please emphasise that word (Looks warningly at Vikki and Jaz) we have decided to run therapy classes.
LEGOLAS: Therapy?!
DOCTOR MD: Yeah. So, I'll explain our first session. It's confession time!
REBECCA: Yay!
DOCTOR MD: Shut up. Anyway, we do this in a certain way. Everyone is given a glass of water. We go round the circle clockwise and everyone has to say something they HAVEN'T done. But if you HAVE done it, take a sip of the water. Got it?
(Silence)
DOCTOR NICK: Bring the glasses!
(Later- the group are starting confessions)
LEGOLAS: (Stands up meekly) I have never... streaked down a street in the middle of the night.
(Frodo takes a sip of water)
VIKKI: I have never... never... stolen money?
(Everyone else takes a sip of water)
YODA: (Stands) I do not... fancy Legolas.
(EVERYONE else takes a sip: even Legolas himself. Yoda stands for a minute silent)
YODA: ...FINE! (Sits down and downs the whole glass)
REBECCA: I have never... climbed through hobbit hole windows in the middle of the night to scare their wits out and dance around in their kitchen screaming 'Men In Tights'.
(Immediately Frodo takes a sip. Everyone stares)
FRODO: (stares around) ...what?
(Luci stands up)
LUCI: I have never... taken a mechanical arm for granted.
(Hayden sniggers)
HAYDEN: Suuuure you haven't...
LUCI: Wait- maybe I have... (giggles and blows kisses at Hayden as she sits back down. Dr. Nick cringes in disgust)
(Frodo stands)
FRODO: I have never... hacked a fringe into my hair or had one cut at a salon.
LOREN: How is that a confession?
(Notices everyone looks at Legolas, who is drinking large quantities of his glass)
JAZ: (Stands) I have never... oh **** this!!! (Pushes Vikki's chair over and starts kicking her and screaming war cries. Vikki springs up and starts pulling Jaz's hair)
DOCTOR NICK: Hey! Save it for anger management classes!
(After the two are pulled apart, Vikki is made to stand in the corner with her face on the wall. Frodo's chair has been positioned on a restrained Jaz on the floor and he is currently climbing onto it looking smug)
JAZ: (Gargle) What did I do to deserve THIS?!
DOCTOR MD: Just shut up and say a confession.
JAZ: ok OK! (Starts elbowing the chair. It sways dangerously)
FRODO: Hey this is kinda fun! (Starts purposely swinging from side to side)
JAZ: (Starts to choke) I have *choke* never *choke choke*... surfed the internet to *choke* purely look at *choke* slash fanfiction!
(The chair is removed. Jaz lays splayed across the floor with her eyes wide open. Vikki has taken a sip of water in the corner. So has Yoda.)
Hayden: I have also never taken an advantage of a mechanical arm.
(As soon as he sits down, he takes a sip. So does Luci. So does Rebecca.)
LUCI: ...Rebecca?
(Hayden looks confused)
REBECCA: Hm?
LUCI: (Shriek) YOU WHORE YOU'VE BEEN TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HAYDEN! (Evil eye)
REBECCA: Nooooo... I was thirsty!
LUCI: (Stands up menacingly) Yeah and I'm Henry the Eighth!
LOREN: Well, actually...
LUCI: (Spins around) HEY! BITCH!
(Throws herself at Loren but is dragged to a corner of the room and restraint. Hayden sits there looking embarassed)
REBECCA: (Confusion) What?
LOREN: (Stands up quickly) I have never... used a light sabre to get my way out of trouble.
(Yoda smirks and flutters his eyeblashes at Loren. Loren does it back to him)
HAYDEN: I have never had to restrain Luci before neither has she actually been restrained I am sorry.
(Sits down and smirking takes a sip of his water)
JAZ: Hey my glass is empty here!
DOCTOR MD: QUIET!
(Silence)
DOCTOR MD: Tomorrow we shall begin session two. Doctor Nick!
(Doctor Nick stands and shouts back as they walk out of the room)
DOCTOR NICK: Bye, everybody!
EVERYONE: Bye, Doctor Nick!
(He eventually gets dragged out by his ear.)
Told ya you would be a 'bitch from hell' MD! TO BE CONTINUED...
