BOROMIR: Hi this is Boromir and welcome to Jackass... (Dives into pile of broken polystyrene backwards)
(LOTR flag, Jackass music and shots from different stunts...)
- Frodo somersaulting off of a skateboard rink and just missing a waterbed.
- Aragorn getting shot in the head from behind with a paintball gun.
- Gandalf in bed, with Legolas running in, in his pyjamas and throwing an office chair on Gandalf.
- Merry floating down a canal in a cardboard box which is sinking fast.
- Pippin eating dirt.
- Gimli squirting milk through his eyes.
- Sam in a field, being dragged along on a tray, by a tractor.
- Boromir being catapulted behind a bush.
(Shot of Frodo and Merry standing on stilts with helmets, in a deserted field, holding foam covered poles.)
FRODO: Hi, I'm Frodo Baggins.
MERRY: Hi, I'm Merry Brandybuck, and this is the stilt fight. (Aims sly poke at Frodo, but as he does Frodo wacks him with all his might and Merry flies off. Frodo falls a few seconds after, both are cackling with glee.)
(Shot of Frodo and Merry again, this time ready. Boromir is getting ready to start them off)
BOROMIR: (Standing at the side) Ready? 3... 2... 1... GO!
(Frodo and Merry start hitting each other fiercely but both manage to stay upright, until Merry wobbles slightly,. Frodo comes up from behind and wacks his stilts. Merry falls hard on the ground.)
MERRY: OWEE!
FRODO: Hehe! ONE NIL!
(Second shot- they're already ready)
(Frodo and Merry start hitting each others stilts, but then Merry has a crafty idea and brings his pole bang on Frodo's head, and he falls.)
FRODO: No! My head! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!
MERRY: ONE ALL! ONE ALL ONE ALL ONE ALL! ONE ALL! ONE ALL!
(Third and final match...)
BOROMIR: 3... 2... 1... GO!
(They don't hit each other for a few seconds as to avoid being hit first, but then Merry aims such a hard hit at Frodo, he misses and falls with a massive force. Falls flat on his face. )
(Silence)
MERRY: OW MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! Wait a minute- does that count?
BOROMIR: I... would guess so.
FRODO: HAHA! AHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
MERRY: Shut up. Anyway that's not fair.
BOROMIR: And the winner is... Frodo Baggins!
FRODO: Yeah! (Hits Merry in the head with pole)
MERRY: OI!
(Shots of Frodo helping Legolas into a bunny suit)
LEGOLAS: I'm Legolas, and this is Bunny Catch!
FRODO: HAHA!
(Shot of wild dogs barking)
LEGOLAS: OW! Do you think I might get along with these guys? (Holds out hand and tries to stroke one. It snaps at him) Better work on it.
(Legolas shows how he's gonna do this.)
LEGOLAS: I'm going to try and jump over these hurdles (Jumps over one as he goes.) While these dogs are chasing me. We'll see how far I can go. (Doesn't realise he should be jumping over one again, and hits his knee as he walks straight into it.) OUCH!
(Shot of Legolas getting ready to run. Noise of dogs growling behind)
LEGOLAS: I'm gonna start now.
FRODO: (In background) 3... 2... 1... GO! RELEASE THOSE HOUNDS!
HOUNDS grr.... elf! elf! woof! grrrrrrrrrr.... (run madly)
LEGOLAS: Ahh! (Laugh) HELP! (runs as he is being serenaded by Frodo!) Stop it! You're putting me off!
FRODO: (Screeching and giggling) RUN RABBIT! RUN RABBIT! RUN! RUN! RUN! HEAR COME THE- Hahahaaa! legsie!
LEGOLAS: HELP! (Arm is presently being ripped off by hound. He's just been dragged to the ground by another) NO! HELP!
(Second shot)
LEGOLAS: Lets try again shall we? (Gets ready)
FRODO: 3... 2... 1... GO!
LEGOLAS: (Starts to run. This time gets over first hurdle) Yes! ONE! (Get's over second) TWO! (Keeps running) THRE- AHHH! (Just been jumped on from behind by dog, who's bittin his hair thinking it's some kind of dead animal)
FRODO: Legsie what are you LIKE?
LEGOLAS: I don't taste nice! (Starts pushing dogs away and tries to get up...) GET EM OFF!
*JACKASS Special: The Gumball Challenge!*
The Fellowship challenge, this special episode, is the gumball challenge- a yearly competition where 20 competitors will drive to 6 destinations around Middle Earth. This year, the gumball challenge begins in Hobbiton, The Shire. There are two teams, consisting of 5 competitors eah, in two automobiles.
Team 1: Frodo Baggins, Pippin Took, Merry Brandybuck, Boromir, son of Denethor, Legolas Greenleaf in 'The Hobbit'. A compact, yet speedy car with flashing blue headlights, and a large boot (for food mostly, for supplies, and sticking young hobbits in for when they're really pissing you off.)
Team 2: Gandalf Stormcrow, Saruman of Many Colours, Aragorn, son of Arathorm, Arwen Undomiel, Samwise Gamgee in 'Evenstar'. A large, streamlined car, with lots of space in the driver's seat!
Now let's actually go to the big event...
Day 1, 9.00am. The Two Teams Arrive And Survey Their Cars
TEAM 1
(Merry and Pippin are the first to arrive.)
MERRY: What's this? (Goes round to the back of Team 1's car.) 'The Hobbit'? That's offensive! Hey Pip, come look at this?
PIPPIN: Yes?
MERRY: Look at our car's name! It's offensive!
PIPPIN: What, H0B B1T?(peers at number plate).
MERRY: What- it's on the number plate too? Dang this!
(Legolas and Boromir arrive)
BOROMIR: Hey little guys!
LEGOLAS: What's wrong Merry B.? You kinda look pissed?!
PIPPIN: Yay! We're a car!
LEGOLAS, BOROMIR: Um, ok...
MERRY: Hey look! Frodo's here!
(Small radiant dark haired hobbit with luminous blue eyes bounding towards them.)
FRODO: Wazzzzuuuuuuppppppp!!!!!!
LEGOLAS: Wazzzzuuuuuuppppppp!!!!!! (High five)
BOROMIR: People? Can we have a little quiet please? I don't think an elven PRINCE should great his servant that way.
FRODO: Servant?! Oh- sorry (devilish grin). Hi Merry, hi Pippin. (Bows to Legolas in formal way.) I'm terribly sorry for mistreating a prince. Good evening your elvish highness.
LEGOLAS: (Bows formally) Why thankyou my slave.
FRODO: Slave?!
LEGOLAS: Just kidding.
TEAM 2
(Aragorn, Arwen and Sam are the first to arrive.)
ARAGORN: (Carrying Arwen) Stay back! I want my baby in the car first!
ARWEN: Oh you! (Plays with his hair.)
SAM: Pardon me sir. I'll just stand over here if you take my meaning. (Sidles away awkwardly)
ARAGORN: Suit yourself, oh short one!
SAM: (Annoyed. Sam is jealous. He thought he was over him, over that hobbit. But no. The thoughts came back. He just imagined himself doing exactly that, smitten with his new found love, with a small giggling hobbit around his neck. Oh how he missed Frodo! He remember what Frodo told him at Mount Doom. "I'm sorry Sam. I can only be your friend. That's all I have to give. I'm not like you Sam. I have a girlfriend."
(Sam cringed at the memory, but was brought quickly back to reality when Gandalf tapped him on the shoulder. He and Saruman had arrived- arguing, as usual.)
SAM: Hi Gandalf!
GANDALF: Hi Sam!
SARUMAN: Oh hi me. I'll just stand over here like a loner and say hello to myself, why don't I.
GANDALF: You do that.
SAM: That's not fair (Walks over to Saruman and they engage in friendly hand shakes.)
SAM: Hi Saruman! Nice to meet you!
SARUMAN: Hello to you too! Listen,at Orthanc? When I tried to kill you all? I was just doing that for attention. I'm a great attention seeker.
SAM: I know. Friends?
SARUMAN: Friends.
(Gandalf comes over.)
GANDALF: Hey! I'm the nicer wizard!
SARUMAN: No you are NOT!
GANDALF: Am too!
SARUMAN: Am not!
GANDALF: Am TOO!
SARUMAN: Am NOT!
SAM: (Meekly in the back ground.) P-please? Lets not fight...
GANDALF: He started it! (Raises staff and makes him fly back into the car 'Eventstar.' It glows startlingly.)
SARUMAN: Well really. (Points staff and fires some kind of incantation.)
(Gandalf shrieks and flies backwards yelling. He falls into Frodo and Frodo falls flat on his face under Gandalf.)
FRODO: (Muffled) Geoffme!
SAM: Are you o.k. Gandalf? (Rushes over.)
GANDALF: It's all right! I broke my fall.
SAM: With- Frodo! What are you doing down there!?
GANDALF: I told you. I broke my fall.
SAM: With Frodo?! Get off him NOW!
GANDALF: Ok ok. Fine. (Rolls onto floor and picks himself and his staff up.)
FRODO: (Murmurs...) wha...
SAM: Frodo?! Are you ok?!
FRODO: mmmyeah. (Gets up and holds his head.)
SAM: Oh Frodo!? Sit down now!
FRODO: (Comes to his senses.) What? I'm all right Sam. Thanks anyway. My my head hurts...
SAM: (Sobbing) I knew it was going to come to this!
TEAM 1 AND 2: What?
SAM: Frodo's gone MAD!
FRODO: Sam don't me stupid...
SAM: There! You see?! He called me stupid!
FRODO: Sam, please. Calm down...
SAM: Me? Me the one who has to calm down!? (Gandalf and Aragorn drag him away to Team 2's car.)
OVERHEAD: Attention, all Gum Ball Competitors! You will find instructions to your first destination inside your car and you have the keys! Get ready to race...
(Everyone bustles into their cars. Gandalf and Saruman are still bickering. Team 1's first driver is Boromir. Team 2's first driver is Arwen.)
OVERHEAD: Get ready... set... GO! (All cars pull out and start racing down the lane. Bewildered hobbits stare at them as they go.)
Team 1
(So far team 1 have been sitting in silence. They have been driving for an hour, and Pippin has been staring back at Team 2's car, 'Evenstar' with a demon Arwen staring wildly and driving in hot pursuit.)
PIPPIN: Look at Arwen!
(Everyone looks back.)
MERRY: Are elves supposed to look like that?
(Silence)
FRODO: She looks similar to Legolas in the morning.
LEGOLAS: HEY! (Hits Frodo around the head. Merry lashes out at him with his toenails) HEY!
MERRY: (Smug) I just thought I'd try that.
PIPPIN: Let me try! (Slides forward and strikes Boromir in the front with his foot)
BOROMIR: (Screech) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW! (Swerves and manages to take control) PIPPIN!
PIPPIN:...(Smile) What?
BOROMIR: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING!!!? (Angry)
PIPPIN: (Nervous laugh) Nothing...
BOROMIR: YOU WILL BEG FOR DEATH BEFORE THE END!!!!!
PIPPIN: (Raises eyebrow) Oh yeah?
BOROMIR: YEAH!
(Turns around and attempts to strangle Pippin. Merry looks for something for defence, and finds some pine cones on the floor.)
MERRY: Here (Hands pine cone to Frodo)
Frodo: (Staring at pine cone) ????
MERRY: HIT HIM DAMMIT!
LEGOLAS: THE CAR!!! (Girl scream)
MERRY: (Looks forward) AAAAAAH!!!
(Legolas suddenly grabs the wheel)
LEGOLAS: I can't drive!
Merry: (Scoff) Almsot 3000 years to learn and he hasn't even been taught by his daddy!
FRODO: (Hits Merry around the head) Shuttup! Pippin is being HALF STRANGLED!!!
(Both hobbits attack. Pippin is going blue)
LEGOLAS: (Sarcastic) Ok... FINE... (Get's out one of his arrows and pokes Boromir in the back of the head) YAR! (While attempting to drive, of course)
BOROMIR: HEY! (Releases Pippin and goes back to driving)
PIPPIN: (Splutter)
MERRY: You ok Pip?
(Pippin nods)
FRODO: (Smirk) We saved you. With pine cones.
PIPPIN: You did!?
LEGOLAS: (Mutter)
